So why am I breaking today? The shards of past pains are stabbing at my heart today. I haven't felt like this in soooo long.
I slept very well last night. I took a Zantac for the acid reflux and heartburn. It worked like a charm. I also took a Tylenol 3 so I could get some sort of relief from the pain of my SPD. I was even enjoying feeling Dacina moving around.
So why am I bombarded with the pain of loss today? I miss them so much and I can't get over it even with a good crying out. I am questioning every decision I have made in my life. Why must I always be punished? Have I not paid my dues yet? When does it end? When can I just feel good without the torture of this pain?
Why do I feel I can't lean on Freddy right now? Will I trigger his pain by crying on his shoulder?
Why am I not the strong one today? I am supposed to be. I want to be. I need to be.
Hun, you are ALWAYS the strong one. But even the strong ones need to take a few moments to be human, to let their minds do what they do. Use it as a tool. I think memories, even bad ones, help us shape who we are and how we behave. Count your blessings: your beautiful kids, the new one we can't wait to meet, your husband who loves and adores you, your friends who will do anything for you, your immeasurable talents, etc. And remember that nothing is free. I've made some incredibly dumb choices, but I wouldn't have all that I do if I hadn't made them. Those mistakes have shaped who I am, and in the long run, I am eternally grateful. I love you!
ReplyDeleteSometimes the stronger thing to do is to break. I sure as hell don't know when it gets better, but I have a feeling it's not until that day that we get to hold our kids in our arms again. And I don't know what I believe, but I certainly hope that does happen someday.
ReplyDeleteI know every time things in life are good, the pain gets worse. When life is good I want my son back even more. I want to share it with him. Sometimes it feels like I can never fully enjoy the good things without the anger and grief coming in.
So far the only thing I've found I can do is to resign to it, and it's not fair. And it definitely doesn't make you feel strong.