Yep. This is my last day of being pregnant ever again. I am obviously not known for being the shiny happy pregnant woman. I have had a lot of pain and issues with this pregnancy and the last one. It has made my life a bit unbearable. If I didn't have the mental issues such as pregnancy depression I might have been better equipped to handle the physical pain. The triggers for the depression are still there but I am getting stronger and better able to deal with them. So I am doing better with that. Talking with other bumpies has helped tremendously. I don't feel alone. I don't feel like a pariah. I feel comforted in a world of unrest and uncertainty. I have gotten close with other June moms because of it. So, in a way I am grateful. I don't like that any of us are dealing with it but in that there is comfort. I am grateful.
I will be glad when I am no longer in pain. I will be glad when I have my body back to myself and can do the things that I have always enjoyed doing. I will be glad when I can actually look into his eyes and not wonder what they will look like. I will be glad when I can cuddle my husband and not worry if I am going to squish him. I will be glad when I can snuggle my monkey and not worry about a belly in the way. I will be glad when this is over.
I will also be sad. I will be sad that I can't always guarantee his safety as I can in my body. I will be sad that I wont guess at what he will look like or who his personality takes after. I will be sad that even though I hate my pregnant swollen body that I will never again make life. I will never again experience the flutters and kicks of a miracle of love inside of me. I will never again have the worry of how we are going to do this and the warm comforting words of my husband. I will never again see his eyes light up in trepidation over hearing "we are pregnant". I will never again ask him how he feels about the baby coming soon or what HE thinks he will look like. I will never do this again.
In 4 hours we will pack up the dogs and Valeska and take them over to Sani's house for a week. We will then finish off what we need to around the house. Freddy will sleep and I will anxiously await for 4 am.
In 12 hours we will pack up all the bags, boppy, car seat and paperwork in the car and head off to the hospital to register. I will be admitted and the process of my surgical birth will begin. In 16 hours or less our son will be born and our new beginning will happen.
Last summer this was the furthest thing from our minds. For any of us. Yet, here we are with such a big change happening in just a few little hours. Our new beginning and another vestibule of our love will come into the world screaming. He will scream with the sound of life. We will cry and awe and wonder how life ever was without him. I will see my husband change yet again. He will be a father once more and his heart will grow bigger than I think it ever could. I will see him become so fragile and yet so strong at the same time.
I will feel prouder than I ever have before. A miracle will be all around me and vow to absorb it all in.
I am letting life be as normal as possible today. To let this be the last day of pregnancy forever. I am taking it in. Each giggle from Valeska. Each sigh from the dogs. The heat outside. The sound of the birds and the air conditioner. This is what life was. Tomorrow is what life is.
Today is the last day of pregnancy forever for me. This will never happen again.