Monday, June 6, 2011

End of my rope

Saturday afternoon I am laying in bed just chillin after work. I am very excited to be on maternity leave and to relax for the next 9 days until have the c-section on the 13th. Then I sneeze. It is a pretty big sneeze and normally would actually feel kind of good. But this SOB hurt me really bad. I don't know exactly how but it aggravated my SPD symptoms so bad that I was instantly crying. It felt like my pubic bone shattered.

I got up out of bed and knowing my left leg hasn't wanted to work properly, I put my weight on my right leg. Well whadda you know? My right leg doesn't want to work right either. So here I am with 2 legs that don't want to work right (and by this I mean I move my legs to walk but they don't want to move normally. They almost just drag), a pubic bone that feels like it is shattered and round ligament pain that feels like a charlie horse in my lower abs.

I then decide I guess I will be on bedrest until Dacian arrives.

Saturday night Freddy helps me set up the Wii in our bedroom and I start enjoying "The Addams Family" (original show) with Valeska.  I still hurt like hell. Being propped up put some major strain on my hips and still makes me hurt but I can deal with it for a little while. I decide to take a Tylenol with Codeine so hopefully I can sleep and feel at least a bit better in the morning. EPIC FAIL!! The Tylenol with Codeine did absolutely NOTHING for me except make me entirely too thirsty. So I was up every hour getting some water and going to the bathroom. Getting out of bed is the worst for me. Every time I get up the pressure on my hips sends me down a spiral of pain so intense it makes me see little white stars. 

I go back to bed for the umpteenth time. Then I got shot wide awake by the evil acid reflux monster. Since I can't get up so easily I end up getting sick next to the bed. I clean up and go out to the living room with my netbook. I am obviously not going to get any sleep. It is only 3 am.

I am then up until 7 when I think my stomach finally calms down and I can actually try and go to sleep. I do. Freddy wakes me up at 9 to say he is going to work. Valeska is already up. She then comes into my room again and we start watching "The Addams Family" and "The Munsters". She says she likes "The Munsters" but likes "The Addams Family" better. That's my girl.

I am propped up on the bed and my hips are killing me but I have a pillow between my knees and hope the searing pain in my pubic bone doesn't flair up again. It of course does every single time I need to switch positions, get out of bed or really just any kind of movement. Valeska then wants to watch "Secret of Nihm". I say it is fine and that I am going to take a nap. She lets me sleep. Whenever we do this I never fall into a deep sleep because I need to be alert enough to take care of her. I don't hear her for a little bit so I get up. I start calling her name. Nothing. So I get up. I call her name in the living room. Nothing. Maybe she is in the kitchen getting a snack. Nope. Ok, maybe she went upstairs to her room to play or take a nap. She isn't there. I call her name again. Nothing. I kind of start to freak out. Where could this child be. So I go back in my room. Maybe she fell asleep on the floor in front of my bed and I just couldn't see her. 
This is how I found her:

She fell asleep at the foot of my bed. I just couldn't see her. My precious little angel.

I decide sleep just isn't going to be my friend. 

Throughout the day I try propping myself up better but the pain just is constantly there. The only time I find ultimate relief for a little while is laying completely on my side. I can't do this because the acid reflux hits me like a ton of bricks.

Fast forward to the evening. Freddy brought home pizza for dinner so I sat up and ate that. Then I think, "ok, mind over matter if you shower and stuff and make yourself look human you just might feel better". So that is what I do. I shower and do all the grooming things I need to do. Standing hurts but  not nearly as much as the bed right now so I even decide to trim my hair.

Freddy helps me with the lotion and I get back in bed. Pain. I am soooooooo sick of this damn pain. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this for another 8 days and then deal with the pain from a c-section?????? WTH?

I have a few breakdown crying fits when I need to switch sides because I need to relieve one of my hips for a while. We then go to bed. I decide to take some tums and then lay flat. I should be ok for a while until have to pee again.  Within 30 minutes the acid reflux hits and I almost get sick on Freddy.

I get out of bed and come into the living room with my netbook. Sound familiar? Is it the twilight zone? No. Just another *f*ing night with pain and acid reflux. Only this time it is only 1:40.

I can't handle this anymore. I can deal with the whole bedrest thing. I can deal with being uncomfortable (pregnancy wise). Hell, I can even deal with the acid reflux. But all of it at once? I am soooooo at the end of my rope.

Nobody really seems to think the pain I am feeling is really that bad. Even Freddy. He helps when I ask but never asks me what he can do for me or how I am feeling. There is no sympathy. Here I am crying in pain while I write this and he is comfortable and sleeping away. How the hell is this fair?  My doctor doesn't even to seem to think it is that bad.

I have no idea what to do or how to fix it. I don't think I can mentally get through the next 7 days like this. I might just start breaking things to get people to understand that I just can't handle this anymore.


  1. SOooooo sorry to hear this! It's a good thing you women have the babies or our species woulda died out after like TWO generations!

  2. (hug) sweetie I feel so bad! Call the doc and beg them to move it up! Or have Freddy take you there and beg for an epidural or SOMETHING to mitigate that pain until they will take the baby! Something tells me you would prefer the pain from a c-section over that! Dammit wake his ass up and tell him to take you to the hospital NOW! It should get his attention......

  3. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. To everyone that can't muster some sympathy for you... tell them this isn't your first fucking rodeo. You've done this, you've brought amazing lives into this world. You know the pain of that. You also know THIS pain is more. You know your body better than anyone else, especially in this situation. If they're too dense to offer sympathy at least demand that they not dismiss your feelings- emotional and physical!