Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Some Clarification

I appreciate all the out pouring of support since I wrote the last post. I would like to make it clear that I did not decide to take anyone on my journey in hopes of getting pity. I wrote it to HELP other pregnant women. To let them know that it is ok. That they are not alone. This is a soul baring and very difficult thing for me. I will write things that you wont agree with, that you will judge me for and that you will think is irrational. And, they are irrational feelings. That is EXACTLY what depression does to you. It makes things that you know you wouldn't feel normally into something completely irrational. I know this. But, when the beast consumes you,  you fixate. That is what it has done to me. So, now I will go into things deeper so maybe those who aren't there, might be able to understand just a little bit more.

I don't normally suffer from depression but I do suffer from Post Stress Disorder (PSD) from severe mental, physical and sexual abuse from my step-mother when I was a child. I at this time will not go into the specific details as I really would rather keep that part of my life off the internet. Just know that it was bad and my sister was killed by this woman from said abuse. 

I live each day combatting my fears and irrational thinking because of it. I have a type of body dismorphic disorder because of the sexual abuse. It is a very common "side effect" of sexual abuse. I grew up thinking the only useful and good thing about myself was my body and my looks. I know this is irrational thinking. I KNOW I am an intellegent, caring, compassionate, giving persona that makes a great friend and a positive contributing member to society. But, again, here lurks that monster and when she strikes, she consumes me and makes me fixate. It is completely irrational. 

Pregnancy for me makes this monster strike even harder. I know I am growing a beautiful life inside of my body. A life that was made out of love from two people who can't breath without each other. This is our sign of our affection for each other. Nothing is more beautiful then that.  But, my body, again irrationally, is all I have that I can ultimately control. Pregnancy makes this impossible. (this also is in reference to breastfeeding). I don't know how better to explain it other then that. Those who experience this will know what I am talking about. If you don't experience it then it just will never makes sense to you.

My gorgeous and handsome sons live with my ex-husband (their father). This was a long hard battle for me many years ago and do not wish to go down that road of emotion right now. It was my decision and I am comfortable with that decision no matter how painful it is. You can judge all you like with the limited information given to you and that is fine. This however goes into how I feel with my gender disappointment.

When I lost my twin girls many years ago it was devestating. When I found out I was pregnant with Valeska, even though I wanted a girl desperately, I also had an extreme fear that I would resent her and never love her as much as I did my girls. This plagued me the whole pregnancy. NOONE knew of my feelings except my loving and supportive husband. I couldn't explain it to people in a way that didn't make me look like a complete psycho. I did however end up falling so madly and deeply in love with her that I don't know how I ever went a day with out the gift of her precious soul in my life. I feel this way daily about her. Every day I look at her and am still in awe.

My sons however are still alive. And though I don't get to see them they are still very much a part of me. I am AFRAID to have another son. I don't want my other sons to feel like they have  been replaced. They haven't. So my FEAR has turned into me not WANTING another son. I need to make it very clear that I love my baby for the person and soul that he is. I am just afraid. I would never tell him straight out that I didn't want him. That is not true. He, as a person, yes. Him as a boy, now. Why? Because of my fear. My fear that I wont bond with him. My fear that I will resent him. My fear that I wont love him as much as my other children. Irrational? YES! My gender disappointment is ONLY A FEAR. Not a reality, for you. For me it is my reality and I do struggle immensely with the guilt for feeling this way. It would be so much better if I wasn't pregnant. But, I am. So I deal with this the best I can.

For some reason when we see someone in physical pain we tend to try to relate and feel sorry for them. We help them. At least I do. I am a Type A personality. I must do everything myself. I don't like to rely on other people. I am the person that everyone else relies on. I am comfortable in that position.

This pain that I am in however is debilitating to me. I makes me incapable of doing for myself. It makes me less reliable to other people.  (pregnancy fog does not help at all either). This in turn makes me depressed and puts me on the defensive. It makes me angry and lash out. I know it is not fair to anyone else so I turn that lash out back on myself. Then I feel guilty for being depressed. It really is an irrational cycle. I know this. Can I help it as much as I can help the pain from having a bulging disk? No. I can't. I am trying though. I am working through this and talking to my doctor. It is hard. I can't control it and it makes me weak. I hate weak.

I will continue with this journey and take you along with me. I seek no advice, nor judgement from those who are not there. I expose myself for others to take refuge. I know full well this will not sit well with a lot of people and that is ok as this is not your reality. It is mine and mine alone. Though I do know that I am not alone in the world of Pregnancy Depression. I take these steps now as I do not wish for the beast of Post Partum Depression to take a hold of me and possibly harm my innocent child. It is very difficult to admit that there is that possibility and I am doing the best I can to be the best mother I can be and protect my child, even if it is protecting him from me.

Note: please do not think that I do not love my child. I love him so much that I am doing everything I can to do the best I can.


  1. I just read your previous post, and now this one. Having suffered through different things when I was younger, and battling a mild depression, and then a *severe* post-partum depression after my Son, I do understand. Circumstances and levels are obviously different, and that's okay, but I do get what you're saying. No judgment here. I know you love baby Dacian, and that you're not setting out to have all these feelings intentionally. They just sort of pounced on you and got a grip, which you're trying to loosen. (So to speak.) I think you are handling it exceptionally well, actually. While you can't help the feelings you have, and what they're doing to you, you also recognize them for what they are, and are taking steps to help yourself, and even others. That right there is the hardest part of the battle. *hugs* Keep it up, sweetheart... you're doing just fine. And you've got lots of us (June Mommies) who are always here to support you!

  2. As of late, I, too, have been dipping my toes in these waters. I love you, and if there is anything I can do from hundreds of miles away, please don't hesitate to ask!

  3. Thank you for sharing such a personal battle. Although I only know you from the Bump, I always think of you as a very strong woman. It takes courage to share pain caused by depression and to seek out help. I send you love and positive thoughts and prayers from another June Mama!