Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Pregnancy Depression

I was really hesitant about writing down my feelings. I didn't think people would care or would just think that I am being "hormonal". Hell, I even thought that. But, in talking with another fellow bumpy I realize that this could really help. Not only myself  but maybe someone else who might feel alienated due to her feelings. So, here I go.

About 2 weeks ago I started to feel extremely moody. I chalked it up to hormones and left it at that. Then it started to get worse. I look at myself and feel GINORMOUS. I honestly have severe body issues. I have worked on this for years but, I always think I need to work on my physical appearance (thank you childhood experiences). Pregnancy is the worst for me. I don't have that cute baby belly, I have a giant alien egg. My arse is getting bigger and the only thing I can surmise is that Dacian is trying to make a spare bedroom out of it. Seriously, after this many pregnancies my hips can STILL spread?!  I know this sounds trivial as most pregnant women feel this way, but, for me it goes beyond not being comfortable. It makes me go to extremes to not be this way. I didn't even eat for 2 days!  I know, I know. I need to gain weight and I need to keep my baby healthy. That nasty little bitch that lives in my head that always eats away at my self esteem gets the best of me. 

Note: I have started eating and my baby is ok. I am working on this very hard.

Gender disappointment. I didn't get it when people would post about this on some of the boards. What did it matter what the sex of your child is?? I now get it. I don't want a boy. I want a girl. I want to feel attached. I have 2 beautiful boys already. I don't want another one. I want another little princess. I am the only one in the family that does. Even Valeska wants a brother. I am afraid that I wont attach and bond with him. I want desperately to connect with my child and I fear that this will never happen. What the hell is wrong with me?

I can't sleep in bed due to Freddy snoring so badly for the past few months. He never did this before. Why now? So, I start sleeping on the couch. He refuses to do this himself and I am tired of fighting about it. It isn't too bad.  Now, I get the most horrible acid reflux I have ever experienced. It isn't just heartburn. It is chunky acid that sears my throat. It is like vomiting bile into your mouth. No warning signs. No asophagus burning. Just straight out acid eating at my throat. It comes so unexpectedly. It wakes me up and leaves me crying in the middle of the night. I can't eat because that just makes it worse. No laying down. Sleeping sitting up is now killing my hips and making my restless leg syndrom even worse. And this does nothing to help eleviate the pain from my bulging disk. To say the least......I am in horrible pain and can't sleep. This makes me even more depressed.

Note: I have tried tums, rolaids, apple cider vinegar, mustard, milk, water, my own saliva (candies), prilosec and GoChi.

I resent my husband. He did this to me and I can't stand to have him around me. I know this is completely irrational but this is how I feel. I can't seem to help it.

I want to ram my car into every single person on the road. I want to swift kick every person in the face that tells me how "huge" I am or that they think I "will have the baby early". Thanks for the input and degrading me to my face in your oh so blatant way. Also, thanks for knowing my uterus so well. I have no dignity now and you just made it so much better.

I want to yell, scream, cry, laugh and breakdown all at the same time.

I hate being pregnant and want it to be over. I don't glow. I am not radiant. I am in pain, constipated, tired, worried, disgusted and most of all depressed. This is not what pregnancy should be.

This is my reality right now.

Note: I am seeking help.

No comments:

Post a Comment