Monday, February 28, 2011

Getting Nervous

Here is a little bit of background before I get into today's post.

Today we went for a regular check up. I had thought something might be wrong when the u/s tech kept looking at the baby's heart. Today we found out that the u/s tech found Echgenic Foci (multiple white spots on the heart). The doctor said it is probablly nothing but is sending us to a high risk specialist for a followup u/s just to check it out more. I asked if everything else looked normal and on track for him and she said yes. We booked our appt for March 8th.

In typical fashion I needed retail therapy and more information. I was really trying to keep my calm and did so for a quite a while. Freddy and I drove to the mall in almost complete silence just holding hands. I really wanted to buy a fetal doppler just so I can listen to his heart even though I know I just heard his strong heart as he was kicking the doppler at the doctor's office. I needed something. Anything. We go there before the stores opened up so we just walked around. Freddy told me not to stress over little things. I told him I am not stressing but emotional. He even mentioned that a VBAC may not be a possibility. I would cut myself into a million pieces for my son. That is the last thing on my mind.

Motherhood was still closed but downstairs Build a Bear Workshop was open. We went just to kill time. I wanted to get Dacian a bear with a strong heart in it as symbol of hoping that everything turns out ok. We found a gray wolf and bought that. We both kissed the heart trying not to break down in front of the lady stuffing the wolf. I now had exactly what I needed.
When I got home I of course started researching with Freddy. We did find out that it is a "soft marker" for Downs Syndrome. I also did find out that it can be an indication for congential heart disease. This is what Freddy's father died from and has always been at the forefront of my concern for Freddy. I am always hounding him to get his heart and bp checked. 
I cried and cried and read and read. I declined the Quad Screen test because i knew that no matter what, even with Down Syndrome that my son would be my son and we would love, support and encourage him as we would with any child with any ability or disability. I am terrified of heart problems.
Freddy told me when he got home after running errands before I came to work that he has a perfectly good heart. I of course replied with "we don't know for sure yet". He then pointed out the outline of a heart right above Dacian in his ultrasound picture. A perfect heart. I now can't stop staring at it and thinking he does have a perfect heart. No matter what. He is my perfect little pirate prince with a perfect heart.  No matter what.

I love my husband for things like this. I know it scares him and he is being strong for me and I couldn't be more grateful for it. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a wonderful person in my life but, I do know that every day I will pay forward the generosity to others.
Sorry this is so long. I promise to keep it updated."

Next week is the appointment with the specialist. I am now getting really nervous. I have actually been pretty calm, positive and mellow for the past couple of weeks. Now that I think about it I am scared. I want my pirate prince to be perfect. I want him to be ok. I am not sure what exactly I am expecting but, there is a creeping feeling of dread coming in.

Breathe in and out. In and out.

1 comment:

  1. I was JUST thinking about you and was going to come to the boards to ask you when your appt is when I saw that you had updated your blog. I remembered it was in the beginning of March. T&P's that all goes very well.