It is 2 days before Yule. I haven't written much on here about my personal goings ons. Probablly because I don't think it is of much interest to people if I do. Or maybe it is. But, I can guarantee you it has been filled with a lot of interesting tidbits here and there. A rollercoaster set on what seems to be downhill, for now.
Most of it is financial and some of it is just me trying to deal with my own inner demons and how I feel about life. Don't worry, it isn't morbid. Just reflections on my marriage, my children, my past, my present, my future.
I sat tonight wrapping up the gifts we got for the kids today. It isn't what I had hoped for. I know the purpose of Yule is to spend time with family and friend and to honor the returning of the sun and to celebrate the solistice and I am comfortable with this. But as I sat there in front of our gorgeous white Yule tree, decked with silver glitter clad icecicles, blue glossy and matte balls, shiny silver tinsel and other various silver ornaments, I stare at a mirrored star. In it I see the reflection of the lights, the surrounding room, random specs of my face. The longer I gaze the more I see the past year.
I see forgiveness of infidelity and a triumph to make love work. I see a girl who is way too fast turning into an independant young lady. A girl who seems to be breaking away from me to find her own path and journey. Her hands begin to let go of their grip on mine. I see myself hold on for dear life and time pulling her harder still. I see a growing belly full of new life, promise and hope. I see a void filled where I never knew there was one. I glimpse a new family. A beginning and yet an ending of what once was. I see happiness and possiblities. The indescribable invisible connections that a 7 year old girl and a new born boy make. They seem to be one unit seperated only by years.
Then the trouble hits. There are layoffs and slow business. The truth of what some people really are deep down. Relationships challenged and lost. A new strength grows and yet the troubles still surface. Now I begin to get sad. I wonder how long this is going to last. Then, I see that hope again. The one thing that is always there, no matter how hard it is. Family. My little family. The daughter that I must let pave her own path in life even if it hurts me. A son that for now is innocent and pure and needs me. A husband though terribly free spirited and hard to handle, loves me. Undoubtedly, loves me. For all that is reflected in the mirrored star, nothing shows brighter than the saying that holds true to all of us, "I love you more than the stars". This is a bare and beautiful truth to this past year.
So, I then look at the gifts again and reassure myself that these times are tough and may last a lot longer than we hope, but as long as I give each day as much strength and power and love just as the sun does, then it wont be too terrible. There are 5 presents for each child. They amount to almost nothing financially but, each one was given with thought and love. Why 5? Because each child has taught me 5 lessons this year. Maybe some day I will write them. For now, it is my secret and one I wish to keep.
I have learned hard lessons and beautiful ones. Each one precious and hard.
What have you reflected on?